Updates galore!

I recognize it’s been quite some time since I have updated the Blog portion of my website. When I pause and reflect on why that it is, I am taken aback by the many changes that have transpired since the last post in November 2017. To summarize the past 3 years fully would take far more time and energy than I think most people have to read right now, so I will try to provide highlights rather than a full summary. Let’s begin shall we!

·       Continued working on my AASECT Sex Therapist Certification since August 2017 with the amazing help of Drs. Stephanie Buehler and Shirley Baron

·       Obtained the certification in December 2020 with extreme delight (I am the only Licensed Psychologist in Nevada with this certification)

·       Private practice adventures continued in both individual practice and within a group practice

·       I had the privilege to train two students in anxiety and trauma treatments that will make amazing providers for the community

·       Began the process of board certification which will continue over the coming 1.5 years

·       COVID-19 happened and there are both too few and too many words to describe that experience

·       Worries about patients, their families, my own family and friends, colleagues, the world…is everyone an option for that worry?

·       Started some new hobbies in an effort to create a better work/life balance

·       Reflection has happened more and more with uncertainty about exact goals, but as the year 2020 has taught, have ideas not exact plans

While I recognize there is still so much more to address, I wanted to take the brief opportunity to reflect on an area that keeps popping into my head. When I think about the role of psychologists in the world and especially my role in my chosen specialty, I can’t help but focus on the overarching desire to inform the world of the science. Why do we have the concerns we have? Why is sex so difficult for so many people? Why is anxiety such a pain in so many aspects of our lives? Without having an exact goal in mind, I have a good idea of what I want to do in both my practice and within this Blog space. Let’s just focus on really cool information! Let’s learn together and survive the coming uncertainties and discovers! Stay safe everyone and Happy New Year!

-Dr. Jordan Soper

Generalized anxiety: the Energizer Bunny of the brain

What is generalized anxiety? Generalized anxiety is a little bit different than most other anxiety experiences. Typically, anxiety is linked to particular items such as a traumatic event, panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, or even particular critters (I’m snake phobic). Generalized anxiety is anxiety about EVERYTHING! Hopefully the name it away, but generalized anxiety is the experience of constant, excessive, uncontrollable worry about pretty much everything in your life. These worries can range from worried about being on time to a meeting, saying the right thing on a first date, the health and safety of your loved ones, or even something as small as taking the right road to work. Now, we live in a society that tells us that worry is normal and that everyone has it….this is both true and untrue. Worry is a natural experience as is the subsequent anxiety we experience. However, for many individuals their level of worry is above and beyond the average level. When you can’t stop the worry, when your brain doesn’t let you sleep at night because it is consumed with worry thoughts, when you can’t concentrate, when you believe you will get fired because you made a small slip up during your presentation, when you call your partner 15 times in 4.5 minutes because you think they died on the way to the grocery store; this is the worry that is likely eating your life.

I’m noticing this level of worry come into my office more lately, which has me thinking about what various factors might increase someone’s worry from average to clinical levels. Increased demands at work might be the cause. Increased stress from our current political climate might play a role. Constant comparison between yourself and others might make you reflect on your life and believe things that ordinarily you might not. Generalized worry is constant and often feels very out of your control. It’s as if your mind is on a hamster wheel that is being run by the Energizer Bunny, it never stops. This type of worry can really take a toll on your body, mind, and life. You might notice yourself feeling more agitated throughout the day, irritable at your kids or partner, your shoulders and jaw may feel tense all the time, you might even feel like you’re going crazy.

Generalized worry is a really common experience, but it is one of those experiences that people often don’t talk about. Nearly 15 million people in the United States alone experience clinical levels of generalized worry and that is a low estimate! Generalized anxiety can start at any time in your life and can continue throughout your life. But it doesn’t always decrease your ability to live into your life. For some people who experience generalized anxiety, it’s actually motivating because if you’re anxious about getting tasks done you might actually finish them weeks in advance (I am one of these people). Orrrrrr you might notice yourself procrastinating assignments or tasks because the anxiety makes you believe that if you can’t do it perfect there’s no point to do it. General anxiety is chronic, but often untreated for many people. Worry is totally normal for many of us, but there comes a point when the worry doesn’t stop, where you can’t focus, where you feel exhausted, where you don’t enjoy your life anymore because of how much you worry. Fear not though! There is hope imbedded deep within that worry. Cognitive Behavioral treatments for generalized anxiety have been shown to be highly effective for reducing the frequency, intensity, and duration of worry-based thoughts (and this is without medications too!). There is life without all consuming anxiety and worry. There is a way to overcome that Energizer Bunny in your mind. For more information about generalized anxiety and treatments, please contact my office via phone or email. You can get your life back, let’s find your spark as we extinguish the flame of worry!

Can you cure PTSD?

This is a question I hear from patients on a near constant basis and one I ponder on a regular basis both personally and professionally. What does it mean to cure PTSD? Does it mean you can sleep again? Does it mean you don’t remember what happened to you? Does it mean you can smile again? The notion of a “cure” for any mental health condition is still an extremely controversial topic in the field. While there are some mental health conditions we know are not “curable” by the textbook definition of a cure such as Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, or Autism, that does not mean your life is over. Think about it this way. Is there a cure for Diabetes? Is there a cure for cancer? Is there a cure for a broken leg? The standard answer is “ yes,” but when you think about these conditions, the “cure” is more about treatment not necessarily just getting rid of the disorder. With cancer, you can go into remission, but that doesn’t mean it’s cured because it can come back. With diabetes, you can manage it with insulin and still live a full life. PTSD is the same way. When I think about “curing” PTSD, I think about it just like “curing” cancer; an individual goes through treatment, their symptoms subside, and they are able to function again. Does that mean it will always be like that? No, of course not, there are no guarantees with any treatment medical or psychological. But you can have your life back in a way that you likely didn’t think possible.

Now, I recognize how Pollyanna that perspective may sound to many, but from experience with my patients and copious amounts of research done my individuals far smarter than I am, it is something I wholeheartedly believe to be true. I have seen people with PTSD symptoms for decades go through treatment and come out the other side happier, healthier, calmer, more rested, and able to live again. Their trauma wasn’t gone though, trauma never goes away, it’s the symptoms that we are trying to treat. PTSD is made up of 4 symptom clusters: re-experiencing, avoidance, negative mood and thought changes, and hyperarousal. I spent a whole lot of time getting to know these symptoms in textbook form before I got to see them in the real world and let me tell you, the textbook has nothing on the real world manifestation of this life-destroying disorder. PTSD eats away at someone, it infects their entire existence, it makes them want to die, but for most, they keep on fighting. Suicidal thoughts with PTSD are so very common as is drinking, other substance abuse, sexual difficulties, medical problems, and a whole host of other life changers, but just as Princess Leia says in Rogue One, “hope” is the answer. Hope means there is at least the smallest glimmer that things will change. Never underestimate the motivating power of hope even if it’s just to prove someone wrong. PTSD can be cured, symptoms can go down, your life can be yours again. No, your trauma will never go away, but that does not mean you cannot get better.

Treatment for PTSD sucks. I’ll be the first one in the office telling you that from meeting #1. Having to uncover your deepest, darkest, more horrid experience to a near complete stranger is an experience that inherently makes your body tense and pucker with anticipation, but that’s honestly my job. It is the job of a trauma psychologist to be your go to person, the person who sits with you while you tell every gory, bloody, scary, horrifying, disgusting detail of this horrible time in your life, and who will never recoil from a single word. Treatment means uncovering the wound, cleaning out the infection, and stitching you up. It also means going through the rehabilitation and tending to the scar. See, trauma is a scar while PTSD is the hemorrhaging bullet wound. Like any wound, you have to stop the bleeding before you put it in a cast. Your life will never be the same after a trauma, that’s the very nature of trauma, but it does not mean your life ends after the trauma. Hope exists, treatment exists, you can exist again. To learn more about PTSD, treatment, or recovery from trauma, feel free to email or call my office. There is life after trauma, there is you after trauma.

The Quarter-Life Crisis

Your 20s suck. The reason they suck is because it is a very vague time point in your life where you’re not really a child anymore, but you’re also still not really an adult either. We use the term “young adult” to define individuals typically between 18-25 years-old, but then anyone older than 25 is just an adult until they reach the age of “older adult,” which is usually 65+. But are 26 year olds really adults? By legal definitions, yes of course they are. When you are 18 years-old you typically graduate high school, make a big life decision (i.e., go to college, go to work, go into the military, etc.), and then are expected to act like an adult. One of my favorite phrases that truly highlights my concern with this issue is from a Tumblr account I wish I remembered so I could cite, but it goes a little something like this: you expect college freshman to make a decision about their whole career yet 3 months ago they had to raise their hand for permission to pee. It doesn’t make sense.

In your 20s and 30s, you are constantly bombarded with messages about who you are, what your life should look like, how successful you should be, what house you have, what relationship you are in, what school you should go to, and on and on and on. These pressures can come from any source whether it be family pressure, the media, friends, and internal ideas about what your life should look like. The quarter-life crisis is a term I use often with my patients who are frequently described as “millennials” to highlight how these pressures can severely impact their functioning and drastically alter the way they think, feel, and act. Common signs of a quarter-life crisis are feeling lost, lonely, confused, scared, and anxious about your life. These are above and beyond typical anxieties about life, but rather exemplify a pattern of chronic self-doubt, anxiety, avoidance, and low self-esteem. But does this description really seem limited to millennials? Not really. This pattern of experience has been found in all generations just at different severity levels and if you’ve ever seen any John Hughes movie than you’ve probably seen signs of this phenomenon. The quarter-life crisis is not limited to any particular generation, yet individuals who are actively going through it have received some pretty negative messages about their self-worth based on the label.

According to Erik Erikson, a well-known psychologist in the field of development, life is defined in accordance with particular stages. He defined life as comprising 8 stages from infancy to adulthood each with particular psychosocial crises that result in either a positive or negative outcome for personality development. Let’s go over his stages quickly:

Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not a developmental psychologist and that I have not done nearly as much research as Erikson on these stages, but I can’t help but think that Stages 5 & 6 might be more interconnected than they appear. This is what brings us to the topic of a quarter-life crisis. During this stage in your life, you’re defining not only who you are as a person now, but who you want to be as a person in the future. To say that you’ll know at 18 exactly who you want to be at 40 isn’t realistic largely in part because your brain has not developed the executive functioning skills to make those kind of decisions, hence, the quarter-life crisis.

When you’re in your early/mid-20s to early/mid-30s your brain has finally finished cooking from a biological standpoint. You are better equipped to think clearly, logically, and long-term, but what also comes is the fundamental human anxieties of life. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Why aren’t you there yet? The quarter-life crisis highlights a near universal experience of individuals in this developmental stage of life that may require more exploration than Erickson provided. In a way, the anxieties caused during this stage of your life are similar to those of Stage 8; questioning your life and defining accomplishment. Ask yourself some of these questions:

·         Who defines who you are as a person?

·         What do you want in your life? What don’t you want?

·         Do you feel worried about the future?

·         Do you think there’s something wrong with you because you’re not
           married, have babies, a mortgage, a career, that perfect car, or whatever
           other symbol of “adulthood” you think you should have?

·         Do you feel like a failure?

·         Are you scared of who you will become?

·         Do you feel alone?

These questions are important to start asking yourself because these are some of the real questions that will help you define yourself not just now, but in the future. Screw what the media, society, or even your friends tell you about your life. What do you want? Who do you want to be when you grow up? The comparison of your “behind the scenes” to someone’s “highlight reel” can really alter your perceptions of yourself.

I’m not writing this just from a professional lense, but a personal one. I look around at people in my cohort and I see what they have accomplished. I compare myself constantly to individuals who have been in my field longer and ask “why am I not there yet?” I have discussions about anxieties, worth, love, and purpose with my friends, colleagues, and clients on a near constant basis. I went through my own quarter-life crisis and kinda feel like it’s still there a bit, but it is these times that make us human. We question our own existence, we question our worth, we question what makes us happy, and we seek answers even after we have them. You are not weird because you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up. You are not abnormal because you still don’t know if you want children. You are not broken because you feel alone. You’re not behind the curve because you’re still in school. You are human and your humanity is what makes you amazing, anxieties and all!
 

I shall now leave you with one of my favorite pictures that, again from Tumblr, shows the struggle. If you'd like to discuss this matter further, feel free to email me at jnspsychology@gmail.com or via phone at (702) 587-1573.
 

So, you wanna learn about BDSM?

I must start this blog by giving a huge shout out to David Ortmann and Dr. Richard Sprott. Their book “Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities” is one of the best I have read and really conveys the importance of knowledge when working with people who want to engage in safe and effective BDSM relationships. You can check out their book on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Outsiders-Understanding-Sexualities-Communities/dp/1442217367/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1493306645&sr=8-1&keywords=sexual+outsiders). Another little disclaimer: I am avidly against 50 Shades of Grey. It does not accurately represent a BDSM relationship or BDSM sexual practices given the lack of consent, harm-based manipulation, and inaccurate utilization of BDSM tools. While this blog is not about my disdain for 50 Shades, I’ll let a real Dominatrix explain that a bit more in one of my favorite Try Guys videos:

What is BDSM? BDSM is an acronym for different types of sexual and power dynamics in some relationships. It includes Bondage and Discipline (B/D), Dominance and submission (D/s), and Sadism and Masochism (S/M). Each of these specific areas have intricacies and complexities which are going beyond the simple intro of today, but as Ortmann and Sprott put it, BDSM “describes forms of sexuality that incorporate restraint, pressure, sensation, training, and elements of both erotic and nonerotic power exchange between the parties engaged.” Now, on to what BDSM is NOT! BDSM is not rape, it is not domestic c violence, it is not a mental illness, it is not harmful. There is a lot of stigma associated with the use of alternative practices in relationships particularly the use of pain, toys, power dynamics, and fantasies that go against the norm. A huge reason for this is a lack of correct information about the ins and outs of BDSM. Today is merely a toe in the waters of BDSM and designed for those who want to learn more about these practices, but it is not a how-to-guide for entering into the world of BDSM. Well then, let’s dive in!  

1.       Consent is key! In BDSM relationships, there is clear consent about what is going to happen as well as boundaries set in place if someone feels unwilling to proceed. This is where some people mix up BDSM and sexual assault. In sexual assault, there is not consent. In BDSM, there is ALWAYS consent. Even though both situations may look similar on the surface in regards to power dynamics or even physical pain, they differ in most regards, but especially in regards to consent.

2.       It’s ultimately about pleasure. In some BDSM dynamics, physical pain or discomfort is part of the excitement which leads to high levels of arousal. Pleasure and pain combinations are found in both BDSM and non-BDSM sexual relationships given the eroticism level of that combination. For example, biting someone’s lip during sex is not exclusively part of the BDSM world, but it does classify as a pain/pleasure dynamic. Spanking during a sexual encounter does not necessarily mean you’re engaging in BDSM dynamics, it just might mean that you feel increased arousal when your buttocks feel a temporary sting. BDSM practices can be incorporated into sexual relationships without making it a dominant aspect of your relationship. But it is also important to know that everyone loves differently, everyone screws differently, everyone feels differently; as long as there is consent and everyone is of consenting age, anything really goes.

3.       Start slow and with purpose. When learning about BDSM initially, it can feel quite overwhelming.  Not just when facing the stigma related to your sexual interests, but also when just delving into the ins and outs. Communication with partners is going to be key, which for many is a bit scary; it’s very vulnerable to share your fantasies with someone especially if you’re still figuring them out yourself. Start by first answering this question: what turns you on? For some, this question is difficult to answer, which is why I ask the second question of what does NOT turn you on? Exploring sexual relationships and eroticism is intimidating because we worry we’re “weird” or “strange” or a “freak.” Sex is a natural part of life, yet so many feel ashamed of it. Your body is amazing, it has the potential for so much pleasure and maybe for you, pain helps tap into that pleasure.

4.       Power plays in the bedroom are different than power plays in the boardroom. A criticism I have heard from some regarding BDSM and women is that it is “anti-feminist.” Here is a little secret, BDSM is entirely feminist! It sets the stage for consensual, pleasurable, communicative, and loving relationships, which is very in line with the idea of feminism; for those who don’t understand feminism, it means males and females are equal in all their rights. We talked about consent earlier and having a voice, which is exactly what makes BDSM relationships so exciting for many people; it allows for equal say in how you interact, what happens to you, and what it means to you. Power dynamics are complex, but a simple example I have comes from an old story I heard long ago about a CEO and a Dominatrix. People were so confused why such a strong man who dominated in the boardroom wanted to be dominated in the bedroom. The simple answer was he wanted a break from control. Power dynamics highlight our own complexities, we aren’t one note and our sexual needs go beyond who we are in different areas of our lives.

5.       Sex changes over time. As you learn more about your body, your interests and fantasies, and if partners change, sex is going to change as well. Humans are designed to evolve and sexual relationships do as well. If you were not into BDSM-type activities 5 years ago that doesn’t necessarily mean you cannot be into them now. Time changes every one of us, experiences change every one of us, it makes sense that those experiences would help shape who we are as sexual beings as well. This is where the education comes in. Read about sex, read about power dynamics, go visit your local Love Store or Lover’s Lane and start looking at different toys, games, and lubes, watch Dr. Ruth (she’s a hoot, it’s fantastic), listen to love and sex podcasts, visit FetLife. We live in the era of Google and there is so much out there in the world, the odds are that you are not alone in your kinks.

If you would like to learn more about BDSM, sex therapy, or just have genera questions about sexual functioning, please do not hesitate to call me at 702-587-1573 or email at jnspsychology@gmail.com