Sex is a vital aspect of human relations, but oftentimes it is the first thing that goes down the drain when life gets in the way. Growing that flame takes time, effort, and can get messy. Here are some of my favorite tips for titillating sex!
1. Touch-a touch-a touch-a more! Physical touch is such a critical aspect of intimate relationships, but often people think the only way to turn someone on during sexual activity is through genital touch. Nooooooot so much. Increase your touch with your partner in both sexual and non-sexual ways. Touch their neck lightly with your fingers while you caress the small of their back. Spend time massaging their thighs as you both undress. Tease them with small kisses on various parts of their body. Foreplay is not designed for any one gender or any one way; touch is the piece that gets both genders ready and raring to go. Spend at least 15 minutes touching one another in nonsexual ways while slowly incorporating sexual touch into the equation. This tool is not just great for increasing intimacy, but is also helpful if there is any anxiety about performance. Touch should feel good, foreplay should feel good, sex should feel good; if it does not, time to make some changes
2. Masturbate! Yes, I said it! One of the most basic skills to learn when trying to improve your sex life with a partner is to improve your sex life with yourself. Masturbation is a completely natural experience because it’s all about pleasure. We have decades of studies that show fetuses in the womb “masturbating” and anyone who has ever been around toddlers knows sometimes it’s near impossible to get their hands out of their pants. Masturbation is pleasure seeking, it feels good, it only takes yourself, and it’s entirely safe. So when you want to have a better sex life, masturbate more because it will give you the opportunity to know what works for you. There is a lot of stigma associated with masturbation, that it’s somehow gross, taboo, or sinful, which can severely impact your views about sexual pleasure. Masturbation not only gets you comfortable with sexual pleasure, but it introduces your body to you in a different way; it is a completely sexual act, while sex with a partner often has intimacy connected to it. When you masturbate, you’re learning how to make yourself happy and that is crucial when you add another person into the equation later.
3. Read about sex! Watching porn and reading about sex are two entirely different entities, but they both serve a similar function, which is exposure. Pornography is a great tool for gaining exposure to sex, but just like war movies aren’t a great representation of the military, porn isn’t the best representation of real sex. Books are a bit different because oftentimes their function is to educate; porn is meant to be entertaining not educative. Learning about pleasure, biology, safety, different techniques, ways to talk about sex, all of it will really open up not just your mind, but also open up a new aspect of sexual pleasure. Here are some stellar books I’d really recommend reading to give you a place to start:
- She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Dr.
Ian Kerner - Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man by Dr.
Ian Kerner - Guide To Getting It On by Dr. Paul Joannides (I love this one!)
- Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido by Drs. Andrew
Goldstein and Marianne Brandon - Reclaiming Your Sexual Self by Dr. Kathryn Hall
- Sexual Pleasure by Dr. Barbara Keesling
- The Heart and Soul of Sex by Dr. Gina Ogden
- Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual
Problems by Dr. Barbara Keesling - Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless
Marriage by Dr. Laurie Watson - The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion by Dr.
Gina Ogden - Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship by Dr. David
Schnarch - Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your
Sex Life by Dr. Emily Nagoski
4. Dirty talk! Ok, you don’t necessarily need to talk dirty, but communication is extremely important. Talking about sex doesn’t only happen before sex starts, it needs to be something that happens throughout the experience. A major factor to help make this tip more palatable (pardon the pun) is to get used to saying some words that you may not say all too often. What do you want your vagina to be called during sex? How do you want to refer to your penis and testicles? Are there some words that would really turn you off if your partner said it? What words turn you on? Do you want to use humor during sex? Figure out how you want to use language during sex, practice it a little. Start slow, use one or two words here, test the waters when you tell your partner to lick your clit softer or that you like it when they caress your balls. It’s likely going to feel a little strange at first, but communication about what you like not only leads to improved pleasure on your part, but also to increased feeling of satisfaction on your partner.
5. Mix it up…..a lot! Variety is one of the most requested things I hear when working with individuals who want to improve their sex lives. Being in a rut with sex can really discourage someone or even make sex seem like a chore. Trying new things doesn’t mean you need to bring out the whips and chains just yet, but it does mean that new experiences could be had. Try sex in a different room of the house, in the shower, different positions (that won’t hurt your back), costumes and roleplaying, or even adding in new ways to creating tension with restraints. There is no right or wrong way to spice things up, it really is about figuring out what works and what kind of things you’d like to try. This is where communication with partners comes into play. If you want to try being strapped to the bed, you probably need to tell your partner first and discuss their reactions to this. If you want to try a different position talk about it! Communication about sex, variety, and sharing fantasies not only increases sexual intimacy, but can improve emotional intimacy between partners because sharing sexual content is vulnerable to do. Be honest with yourself, your interests, your boundaries, and be willing to hear, share, and indulge in your partner’s as well. Now, off to sex all of you!